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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Resident evil 4- “why I hate this fucking game”

Now, I’m not a big video game guy, I know what I like, I like things that explodes, women and gun fire (a perfect present would be a mine throwing gun-firing deathdroid that can also serve other “ahem” needs, but that’s beside the point). Now I actually like resident evil 4, it’s awesome, cause it asks you a question every true man comes across in his life “are you a bad enough dude to save the president’s totally hot daughter?” And the answer is a residing yes. That is, if you play normal mode, where you can basically knife some Spanish people in the face for half the game, shoot leather face rip-offs and knife more Spaniards in the face. Now, you ask ‘but my manly man bro tissuekins, why do you hate this game. There’s the pres’ daughter, you with a suitcase of weaponry, and a bunch of (Spanish) people to kill, shouldn’t you be glad? Thankful to the gods that Capcom has given you a chance to shoot some poor parasite infected farmer in the face with an antique gun? Or even a gun that shoots modified mine darts?” I say hither unto thee that yes, it is all good, IF YOU CAN FUCKING BEAT IT ON PREOFESSIONAL MODE. Now, there are two modes, normal, where you can knife people half the time (if you’re a manly man, man, man-man, like me). Then there’s professional mode, which is physically, emotionally and mentally draining. This made me feel like I was insignificant, like my balls weren’t made of super alloy z irradiated with getter beams. This game made me cry, and question my own self worth. The difficulty difference is so high, that let’s say, Kenshiro, was able to beat Shin, but then when he faced Souther, he couldn’t beat him, cause well, cause Souther’s a dick and his nerve points were all reversed (I know that makes no fucking sense, but it’s FOTNS, it’s like trying to find deeper meaning in Riki-Oh). An example would be when I go into this room, with a bunch of hooded zealot church people, they all come towards me and thankfully, the pres’ daughter is wearing armor (I unlocked the different costumes yo, it made the sting also much worse the fact that I didn’t even need to protect her). And I’d use her as bait, lure them and the shoot them in the face and kick them right? WRONG YOU SONS OF BITCHES, BECAUSE IF ONE GUY JUST FUUCKING HITS YOU, YOU AUTOMATICALLY BECOME SLOW BECAUSE YOU’RE SOME WEAK ASS ANEMIC FUCKER FOR SOME ODD REASON. THEN, YOU’RE SUSCEPTIBLE TO MORE ENEMY ATTACKS, AND THERE’S NO FUCKING HERBS MAN! NO MORE FUCKING HERBS! AND THEN THERE’S THESE FUCKERS WITH SHIELDS, OH JESUS CHRIST HAVE MERCY ON ME! So, basically, capcom expects you to be this awesome super player who doesn’t even get touched since you’re so fucking awesome and even playing professional mode feels more like a chore than a game. I grumble having to beat professional mode, and it makes me feel like I’m in school. It makes me cry and worst of all, it emasculates me. Oh jesus, please kill Shinji Murakami, cause he’s finally done something to me that everyone should’ve told hard-core modern moe loving otaku, that your games and your anime hates you just like everybody else in the real world! Fuck you Murakami. But like a beatened wife, I keep coming back to this game, wussing out and playing normal mode. I fucking love you resident evil 4, cause I’m a fucking masochist.

4 comments:

Agent Q said...

So is the President's daughter as attractive as Chelsea Clinton? She's pretty.

tissuekins said...

hotter, better cleavage.

Zim said...

Awesome. That was poetic!

And I think we all know what the next step is. Tissuekins ranting about GODHAND!

tissuekins said...

GIVE ME YOUR PS2S AND A COPY OF GODHAND, THEN I WILL REVIEW IT AND TALK ABOUT HOW IT MADE LOVE PAIN!